Flashbacks in Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder: Surviving The Flood
Warning Signs of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorders or other Mental Illnesses:
There are many warning signs that are present when your body can no longer cope with the emotions that were stuffed for years. Some examples are:
Isolating self- I started isolating myself at a very young age because I felt at fault for being sexual abused. I would hide away in my room so that I didn’t have to talk to my family in fear they would know.
Feeling that loved ones will leave you – I went through a stage of feeling like I was too much trouble for my husband and was paranoid he was going to leave me. He had to keep reassuring me for a long time before I believed him.
Detaching from family & friends - When I started to think my husband was going to leave me, I started to detach emotionally, with no kissing or hugging and physically by avoiding sex. This was a coping mechanism so that if he did leave me. I wouldn’t feel the loss, pain or have to grieve that the relationship ended.
Depressed - When the stress of life would get to me, I would get depressed. The weekends were the worse because I didn’t have work to keep my mind off all the issues at home. I would sleep a lot, and would take my kids to my parents so I could be alone.
Poor hygiene - I went through a period of time when I was so depressed and beat down from abuse that I wouldn’t brush my teeth or hair, took limited baths, didn’t wash my face each day so then I would get acne, which reinforce how ugly I felt I was. It matched how I felt inside.
Sensitivity to sound and smells - I was very sensitive to certain smells i.e. Doritos, sperm, and perfume. Sounds also bothered me i.e. repeating words, music or too loud of voices in music. This occurred all of a sudden for me and it was very frightening. These were things that didn’t bother me for 34 years and I couldn’t understand what was happening now.
Triggers -I would get trigger by things that reminded me of my abuse such as my daughter, Sabrina, hugging me would trigger me back to my ex-husband’s abuse. I couldn’t hug her without her asking for my permission first. This lasted for three years. With my daughter, Veronica, her anger and rage would trigger me back to her dad's abuse.
Anxiety - The anxiety I would experience was too much for me to handle. I would get overly angry and yell at my family when the sounds or smells were triggering me. My daughters’ mannerisms would trigger me because they reminded me of my abusive exhusband.
Sick a lot- Stuffing my emotions and keeping my abusers secrets took a toll on my health. I would have reoccurring illnesses. I would also have frightening things happen to me that the doctor’s and I couldn’t explain.
Not able to be touched – When I started to have body memories, which is when you experience the abuse over again. Because your body feels the same way it did when your abuse was happening to you. I couldn't be touched so I slept in a different bed and was unable to have sex with my husband, during this time because I didn’t feel safe with him.
Don’t care or like yourself – the abuse started for me when I was three years old and my healing process started at 34 years old. I can honestly tell you that I never loved myself because I blamed the little girl within for not telling or keeping herself safe. It took a lot of therapy to realize it was impossible for me as a little girl to stop what was happening. I had to learn to have compassion and honor for what I went through as a little girl and realize I was just trying to survive into adulthood.
Blame or feel at fault for everything I did - I got into a negative state of mind where I couldn’t do anything right and everything was my fault. I was very mean, critical and abusive to myself with negative self-talk because I was used to being abused.
Afraid to be alone - I was deathly afraid to be alone in my house when my husband left to go somewhere at night. I would stay up all night playing different scenarios in my mind, knowing every escape route and weapons I could use to protect myself. I was fearful that someone would break in my house and would hurt my children and me. I didn’t sleep so I would be so exhausted when my husband returned then I would sleep for days to recuperate. I kept these feelings to myself because I knew this wasn’t normal behavior and I didn’t want my husband to feel bad or cancel his plans.
Paranoid that people are going to hurt me - I wouldn’t get close to anyone in fear that they would hurt or abuse me in some way.
Overly cautious - I would be overly cautious because with me always thinking someone would hurt me again, I would make sure to lock my car doors when I went into the gas station, look in the back seat before getting in the car and once in the car locking the doors so no one could jump in. I would look in closets, under the beds, when I got home after dark to make sure that no one was in the house.
Not feeling safe - being afraid of the dark at 34 years old is embarrassing but it is true. I needed the light on for a period of time because if someone broke in I would see him or her coming if the light was on. I thought it would give me time to react and protect myself.
In Control - I had to be in control of everything all the time to feel safe.
Reverting back to a child – I would get scared and feel like a little child in trouble if I was asked to go into my boss’s office. I felt like I was going to get yelled at.
Negative Attitude – I went through a time of being very negative and not able to see any positives in my life.
Not enjoying life – I was too busy trying to cope and survive each day that I forgot to enjoy life’s little surprises. I feel I have lost so many years with my family because I was so miserable at home because of all the things that triggered me. Oddly enough while at work there were no triggers. Each weekend, I would look forward to spending time with my family but when it actually came time the triggers would stop me for doing what I planned to do which made things worse because I broke promises.
Defensive - I would defend my abusers when I first started therapy. I felt guilty for telling my abusers secrets that I felt I had to defend what they did to me, and somehow try to justify it.
Physical and emotional abuse - My sisters and I were trying to survive as kids so we would fight and say hurtful things to each other. I think it was because we felt some feeling of control, when we had none with the abusers in our lives.
Mutilating Self – When I was 12 years old, I remember cutting my arm by carving a boys name and a heart with a broken aluminum can with rough edges. I would also bite my nails to the point of infection or pop & pick pimps off my face creating scaring.
Over Committing Myself – I kept so busy taking care of everyone else but not me. I did this so I didn’t have to cope with my own issues. I never said “No”.
Overachiever – I wanted to prove to my ex-husband that I wasn’t too stupid for college. When I received my first degree I was so overwhelmed with the feeling of achievement that I wanted to feel it over and over again so I stayed in college for 7 years and received four degrees. I didn’t know how to achieve this feeling any other way.
Not Trusting myself - I would have to check my work over and over again to make sure I didn’t make any mistakes. I needed to be perfect.
No Self Respect – Because I was abused most of my life, I didn’t know how to act while a young adolescent teenager, ages 14-18. I was looking for anyone, someone to love me so I had random sexual relationships in search for love. I was again abusing myself and my body was the target. I had no self worth and I didn’t care about myself or the dangerous situations I put myself in. I didn’t have parental guidance to protect me from myself.
Internalizing Other People’s Pain or Trauma – I was emotionally unable to deal with my own emotions so when someone would tell me their struggles I would feel those emotions with them and could visualize what they were going through.
Crying Easily – I would cry about commercials or dramatization advertisements because I could put myself in the situation that those people where in. To me those situations were real.
Gain Weight - As a way to keep myself safe from abuse I gained 80 pounds because if I looked bad no one would want to have sex with me.
These are just some of the warning signs I noticed about myself during the healing process. If you see some similar behaviors in yourself or loved ones, it is time to get some help by a therapist and possibly a Psychiatrist. Even if you don’t remember why the behaviors are occurring seek help because this maybe because your brain had repressed your memories. These behaviors are a sign that your body is having trouble coping with all the repressed emotions and memories. For myself, I didn’t remember my childhood at all and only knew limited things in my adolescent years. When my daughters started to reach the ages of each stage of my abuse that is when I started having problems coping and my body gave out and I had no choice but to seek help because I needed crisis care in the hospital. It is your choice today to seek help while you still have the chance before you are in crisis.
